Billionaire Island Is in a Poop War With a Neighboring Town of Millionaires

Nestled on a man-made island off the coast of Miami, Indian Creek is a village that the likes of Jeff Bezos, Tom Brady, and Jared Kushner call home. It’s got an exclusive golf course. Gated bridge-only access. It even has its own government and police department.

But for all the luxury, the New York Times reports one small lingering issue: the billionaires don’t know where to put their shit. Not shit as in “stuff” but shit as in feces. It’s an island filled with mansions that have more bathrooms than there are total rooms in any home you’ve ever lived in.

Indian Creek uses old septic tanks that were leaking into Biscayne Bay. Rather than use their vast wealth to replace their septic system, they decided to leach off their less-wealthy-but-still-wealthy neighbors in the nearby town of Surfside.

Surfside said sure…but only if Indian Creek gave Surfside over $10 million. Surfside is still trying to pay off $30 million of debt after upgrading its sewer system, so the people who ran it assumed that if a bunch of billionaires wanted to tap into their snazzy new and expensive sewer system, they would help foot the bill.

Indian Creek called it “extortion.” The standoff culminated in a shady, underhanded legislative maneuver only a consortium of tax-dodging billionaires could come up with: Indian Creek went to the Florida statehouse, and, with the help of Republican lawmakers sympathetic to the plight of the common underprivileged billionaire, slipped a rider into a transportation bill that would force Surfside to accept the pipeline with zero payout.

The law sailed through the legislature and is now just waiting on Governor Ron DeSantis’s signature. Surfside’s mayor, Charles Burkett, was blindsided, reportedly finding out that his town has to choke down oligarch turds while on a call with the governor’s office. He had no idea any of this was in motion.

Indian Creek’s lawyer insisted the state’s hand was forced to protect future municipalities from similar “ransom” demands. Oh, fuck off.

An enclave of the ultrarich desperate to be cut off from the rest of humanity forced a neighboring small town to eat the contents of their toilets with no financial compensation, lest the rich folks be forced to suffer the indignity of jet skiing through their own floating turds because they were unwilling to be truly self-sustaining, so they had to be the moochers that all billionaires actually are beneath the bootstrap-y self-made horseshit fantasy façade.